Inside sources at the High Court of Nairobi were able to confirm that there has been no resolution either way in the tinder box case of Tarzan v Jane. All that is known at this time is that the battle is raging and lines have been drawn in the sand concerning the custody of the mysterious child of Tarzan and Jane.
It was not clear at press time whether the two have ever, indeed, been legally married by an officer of the court. Tarzan has stated on many previous occasions that the child, referred as Boy, was, in fact, a male child that could have been fathered by any number of Safari clients.
“She always went for those Great White Hunter types,” Tarzan was heard to comment. “She was an easy make for me…I mean I merely rescued her from certain death at the hands of the giant ape tribe and the next thing she’s climbing the rope to my treehouse.”
Jane’s law firm, Ball, Buster and Reems of Philadelphia, claim they have abundant evidence that “this Tarzan guy swings between a large number of women who get caught in the quicksand or alligator pit…he has given the directions to his treehouse to them all.”
Jane’s attorney’s also claim that this Tarzan is a hunky fake. They have mentioned they are in possession of papers that prove this vine-swinging jungle Lothario is none other than an English Viscount, whose real name is John Clayton, of Greystoke. “Even his loin cloth is from Gucci, for God’s sake,” Jane was once quoted as saying.
Tarzan denies any and all of these claims through his Hong Kong lawyers, We, Got, Yu and Tats It.
The biological parenthood of the child in question…known only as “boy” has, unbelievably, not been determined by DNA tests. Tarzan has been in seclusion somewhere at his jungle retreat and has resisted any attempts by law enforcers to provide a sample of any body fluid needed for the testing. On the last occasion a medical team had him up a tree, he (Tarzan) put his hand to his mouth and yelled something like: “AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA.” This seemed to bring out every savage and wild animal to defend his tree. The medical team retreated from the retreat.
Meanwhile, according to sources “in the know”, Ms Jane Tarzan (nee Porter) has been staying with her aunt in Great Neck, Long Island. She has refused any comment and has only posted one Tweet in the last three weeks. It simply read: “I may seem like a Plain Jane to many, but that jungle-hugger who calls himself Tarzan IS the father of “Boy”. He simply doesn’t hang around long enough to be a proper father. The first thing I’m going to do when I gain custody is to have the child’s name legally changed. I’m going to drop the ” ” around his name. Tarzan is a no-good son of..” [At this point, her 140 characters limit was reached].
The radical-academic feminist, Dr. Libbie Wolf said in a recent interview: “This just proves what will happen how an innocent woman named Jane will be turned into a sex-object and plaything when thrown into the patriarchal society of the deep jungle environment. If it can happen in some wilderness in Africa, it can happen right here in New York City.”
A court date has yet to be set.
[The Tarzan family in happier times. L to R–The pet Cheetah, “Boy”, Mr. Tarzan and Jane Tarzan]