An amazing discovery has been made here in northern Arizona by Federal, Local and International Agencies.  As unbelievable as it seems, these officials (speaking only on condition of anonymity) have located the last American citizen who has never seen the Grand Canyon.  It is believed that his wife is traveling with him and has been known to make similar claims about never having been to the most famous American Landmark in the world.

“The oddest thing about this whole sordid affair is that the guy majored in geology for a time.  And, gosh, he spent his 33 year teaching career in the earth sciences” said one Deputy.  “There’s just no excuse for that kind of behavior.  We can sort of understand how his wife found herself in this position, after all, she’s from Queens.  But this guy is from Upstate New York, he should know better…and he’s acting like someone from…I don’t know, Ohio, I guess.”

“We got onto his tail when one of our tech guys was listening in on the Internet for hackers.  Then we ran across this goofy series of blogs this guy was posting.  We secretly attached a GPS device on the fender of his tiny RV…I mean, good lord, the thing is no bigger than a few phone booths tied together.  Anyway, we tracked his movements after a long time spent in a place called Orting, WA.  He was there to visit his grandson.  After his alleged visit was over we interviewed his daughter.

“Well, there must be some mistake,” she said.  “Elias’ grandfather ran away with a stripper from Mexicali back in ’79”.

The Deputy continued: “He’s an odd sort of guy.  We’ve observed him driving through Death Valley, stop the car, get out and walk about 100 paces into the desert and sit for about 8 minutes.  Then he comes back to the car and complains that he’s hot.  I mean, it’s 96 degrees out there…what does he expect?”

“So, now that the man and his wife are under deep surveillance, he’s going to be given a police escort to the South Rim on Monday, Oct. 28.  There will be two choppers from the Arizona Air National Guard to provide air coverage.  Let’s just keep our fingers crossed that he finally makes it to the Grand Canyon.  He’ll be happy for a while.”

“Then he’ll probably find something else to complain about.”

“But just between you and me, I sort of understand the frustration of the old guy.  I mean, I’m embarrassed to say it but I’ve never been to Teaneck.”